What a time we find ourselves in here in the United States. We are nearing a Presidential election, have critical senate seats in play, and continue to combat the COVID19 pandemic. I find myself spending a good bit of time lately thinking about how to raise future leaders. As a holistic psychologist, I am honored to work with children, adolescents and their families as they work to quiet their anxieties and fears, improve communication, and develop confidence, humility and grit. I came across some wise examples today that really demonstrate how the seeds we sow today, tomorrow and next month grow in our children. What we say truly matters, in so so many ways. In fact, what we say to our children, grandchildren, students and young neighbors lays the groundwork for our future leaders. What kind of leader do you want in a generation from now?
Category Archives: Parenting
Learning At Home During COVID-19
Raise A “Wild Child!” Teaching Your Children to Treat Nature As Their Playground
So, how do we do that? Lets take a few lessons from my childhood and maybe yours too. I grew up playing outside a lot. Though I grew up in an urban environment, I was still encouraged to be outdoors with my friends in the sunshine, playing stick ball, building forts (read old table cloths with holes as windows over old card tables or forts made of refrigerator boxes) and flying on our magic carpets (read old blanket or old carpet remnants) long before anyone knew this Aladdin guy!. My family also went on camping trips and to local beaches when we could. But I didn’t think of myself as an “outdoor kid” at the time. It was just my childhood, it was what we did. Does any of this sound familiar? Maybe you have your own memories of just being outdoors, using the little things to create adventures and spark your imagination. What can those memories offer to you or your children now? How can they help you focus on embracing nature?
Once marriage and children came into the picture, I was very focused on how to continue to embrace being outside. As a couple, we weren’t going to stop being in nature, or stop having adventures, just because we have a child. To be fair, we made a conscious choice as a couple. We knew the benefits, from reading and our own life experiences, of going on great explorations and we wanted our child to have those benefits as well.
Over the years I see that my son, and some of his friends, have learned to be comfortable with nature because they’ve had so much practice. Even now they walk together at the “bay” and scale the rocks along the shore or tackle a downed tree until they can balance on it seemingly endlessly. They really treat nature as their playground and look for chances to be outdoors and just do things together. They seem to be able to see something in nature and turn it into whatever they want. Believe me, we encouraged it and provided the opportunities for it to thrive over the years. And, if your kids are not there yet, fear not as you can encourage it too! If you see a grouping of rocks in the park, maybe its about saying “Doesn’t that rock look like a…” and fill in the blank. Or, “don’t those monkey bars remind you of the space ship we saw at…” Once you start this you’ll realize just how good children are at discovering things. When you are out in nature, the number of possibilities for imagination are endless and the benefits to the health of our mind, body, and emotions bountiful.
Expected vs. Concerning Teen Behaviors
As the school year begins once again, I have been receiving calls from concerned parents of teens wondering what is expected teen behavior and what is more serious. Are you worried about your adolescent and considering therapy for her/him? Here are some useful distinctions that I hope will help you in making that decision.
If your teen wants to spend more time with peers and less time with you, rest easy as this is expected. However, if your teen does not want to spend time with family or friends and seems to be shunning social activity, this may well be cause for concern.
If your teen exhibits sadness or anxiety following arguements or breakups with boyfriends, girlfriends, or friends, rest assured this is expected. However, sadness or anxiety that does not correct itself after a few days to a few weeks, or has no apparent cause, may well be reason for concern.
If your teen is reluctant to get up early for school, know this is expected. However, if your teen absolutely refuses to attend school, this is cause for concern.
If your teen goes from being joyful or happy to being sad, worried, irritable or angry, rest easy as this is expected. However, if mood swings are rapid, consistent, and / or intense, this may be cause for concern. If these mood changes are accompanied by changes in sleep patterns, drops in grades, and /or increased difficulty coping, this may be reason for concern.
If your teen worries about physical appearance and fitting in with peers, this is expected. However, if your teen exhibits sudden changes in eating patterns, over-exercising, and / or extreme negative comments about the self based on appearance, this may well be cause for concern.
If your teen is skeptical, argumentative, doubting and disobedient, rest assured this is expected. However, being too good, too nice, overly focused on caring for others, or fearful of making mistakes may in fact be cause for concern. Likewise, persistent escalation of arguments or aggression and related legal issues, are reason for concern.
If you believe your teen is struggling, I would be happy to meet with you to see how best we can work together.
The Time Has Passed to Think “Me”
As Valentine’s Day approaches, it seems a good time to examine or re-examine your relationship. I’d like to speak to those of you who are in the pre-marital or pre-life-commitment phase of your relationships. Maybe you have known each other for years, or maybe you met later in life and seemed immediately to know you found the one. Either way, now is an important time to truly examine practical aspects of your relationship together.
In the newness of love, or the “honeymoon phase,” you likely overlooked more than you realized. Like most, you probably believed that together love can conquer all. While this is true in many cases, this belief can lead to wishful thinking and real life distortions that can be problematic. Now, some pieces of your history are probably being placed before you. You will need the emotional awareness, the ability to identify and healthfully express your needs and values, and the ability to think realistically and positively in order to successfully address your history and achieve your dreams together.
To start, communicate with each other in an honest, yet compassionate fashion. If you criticize your partner you succeed only in fanning the flames of resentment toward you. I am sure that is not your goal. Think about how you feel when critiqued by your love. Do you feel drawn to and connected to that person, or do you wish to run from that person emotionally (or perhaps literally)?
What are the topics that you or your partner find difficult to discuss? Perhaps you fear that if you do bring them up, they will surely ruin your relationship. So, instead, you push them away or decide not to discuss them. But know that ignoring difficult issues or topics virtually guarantees a negative impact on your relationship.
Are you aware of the areas that are problematic for you? What topics seem to generate the most arguments? For example, you and your partner may disagree on the level of acceptable work demands, time needed to connect with each other, time needed alone, or your relationship with money. The topics on which you disagree are almost irrelevant. What matters is how you learn, with help, to identify the triggers of potential disagreements and move toward meaningful resolution. Short-circuiting arguments before they begin sounds far better than letting disagreements build up, yes?
Though couples have certain topics that are off limits while dating, no topics should be off limits during pre-marital counseling. Important topics to discuss include:
- Do you both want a family?
- How have your relationships with your family of origin impacted your expectations of marriage and your relationships with your future in laws, both for better and for worse?
- Do you have concerns around infertility?
- Are you open to adoption?
- What are your values around saving and spending money?
Addressing these topics in a direct, respectful and sensitive way can reduce the anxiety, stress and fear around these issues. By being open, you are taking control of your relationship, instead of allowing the fear of disagreements to run away with it.
Remember, being a spouse is so much more than being a “husband” or “wife” with specific roles or responsibilities. This is true whether those responsibilities are gender specific or gender neutral. Being a spouse is far more than just your “job” within the marriage. Do you know how your spouse would define a fulfilling life? Do you know what lifts your spouse up when s/he is down? Have you done what you can to encourage your spouse and to foster fulfillment outside of your relationship alone? How can you best nurture each other’s needs as you move forward in life together?
Before you marry, decide what you will do as a unit to keep your love thriving. Love, like all living things, needs nurturance, care and consistency. Each of you brings the experiences of your parents relationship into your marriage, both for the good and the bad. Everyone does. However, by being proactive you can end any negative patterns of repetition. While it is true they did not begin with you, they can absolutely end with you!
Be the Kind of Parent You Admire
As we turn the page to 2018, it seems like a good time to re-examine yourself as a parent. I’m certain that your children are your top priority. You make sure they eat healthy (enough), get them to bed (mostly) on time, and encourage them to explore their interests and participate in extra curricular activities. You hug them when they need it, care for them when they are sick. I know it’s fair to say that you love your children more than anything in this world.
Of course you do lose your patience at times, you struggle with what to do when your child is melting down, or you find yourself disconnected from the here and now. How often have you jumped onto the computer to research “just one quick thing” or to answer “just one work e-mail”, only to look up and find that an hour or two has gone by? And that snack you were going to make for your children, the quality time you intended to have? Oops, that didn’t happen.
But, warts and all you remain a good parent. You could just benefit from some tools to retrain your brain so that stress and life’s distractions don’t get the better of you. Together, we can build mindfulness practices that strengthen your resilience, and your children’s resilience, to stress. We will do this in a meaningful and realistic way that will help you develop in the moment skills to strengthen your response to stress and better your relationship with your children. Your children will benefit simply from having a calmer parent. Then, whether racing to sports practice or music events, navigating mealtimes, or working through the demands of school, you can teach your children to develop their own fun, in the moment, mindfulness practices that help them better cope with the struggles of everyday life for the rest of their lives.
Why Do My Children Need a Growth Mindset?
As a psychologist and professor, I am so fortunate to share my days working with clients and helping to shape the growth and development of future clinical mental health counselors and school counselors. In so many ways, clients and students alike are faced with the challenges that come from allowing our mistakes to define us, rather than redefining our mistakes. The reality is, like it or not, we all seem to learn more from our struggles and mistakes than from our effortless successes. So why is it so hard to redefine mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning?
As many of you who read my blog already know, I tend to tie in the neuropsychological to most of my discussions. So, not surprisingly, this is no different! In prehistoric times, we were neurologically wired to be on alert for danger, because making a mistake potentially meant being eaten by a wild animal. Now, in modern society, most of us are not confronted with the possibility of being someone else’s lunch, yet we continue to react to minor mistakes with the same heightened, charged stress response. Think about this for just a moment….what makes people commit to an Iron Man (or Woman) competition? They train tirelessly to improve their time and stamina while swimming, running and riding. Why not just get in the car…or the boat….and easily and far more quickly cruise into your destination? Because, the experience of challenging ourselves and overcoming obstacles actually makes us a different person. We develop stamina and grit through pushing and stretching ourselves and, at times, through stumbling, falling, getting up and moving forward. If the choice was to jump into that car, or boat, those learning experiences never would have happened.
Now, think about this growth mindset, this ability or willingness to learn and grow from mistakes in light of our current very perfectionistic society. In fact, children in our culture often are penalized for making academic or social mistakes, and are rewarded for playing it safe. We are, in reality, rewarding children who do not challenge themselves. At the same time, society is demanding more and more innovation from its workforce; people are being asked to think creatively, to work outside the box, and to take chances without festering on mistakes Taken together, it becomes clear that we are NOT preparing our children for the world they hope to thrive in as adults.
What we are doing, I think accidentally, is raising fixed mindset children. Because these children fear mistakes, they often try to hide them or to blame others for them. These children (and adults) are more concerned with how others perceive them or judge them than with improving themselves. On the other hand, growth mindset individuals are open to taking on new strategies, meeting challenges and trying new approaches until they achieve the desired outcome. Relatedly, people who use a growth mindset are willing to make mistakes, take responsibility for them, and learn from them.
As we wind down the summer and prepare for back to school, I’d like to share a few activities to help you shift children’s view of mistakes, especially since many have had many years of experiences reinforcing a fixed mindset.
“Instant” Successes
Take some time to have a discussion with your children about people they admire, perhaps an athlete, a singer, or an author. Be sure these figures have been committed to success over time, have experienced rejection or made mistakes, and have moved forward nonetheless. Be sure to highlight the set backs they experienced before “making it”. For example, previous discussions with children have taught me that Iggy Azalea dropped out of high school and was a janitor before becoming the singer/rapper celebrity she is today. Likewise, J. K. Rowling received countless “no”s before getting her yes from Scholastic, launching the phenomenon now known as Harry Potter!
Keep That Kindergarten Enthusiasm!
Can you vaguely recall the joy of learning, a time when everything was new and exciting? Do you recall your kindergartener watching in amazement as caterpillars transformed to crystalist and then butterflies? Ah the magic! But oftentimes something changes along the way. You may see your children becoming disinterested, unmotivated, oppositional or inseparable from screens. What is possibly happening here is that children’s brains are merely reacting to the stress of ongoing boredom. In fact, students in high school in the U.S.A. are more likely to drop out than at any other time in history. The reason given by over 80 percent of those students who do: boredom, which they define as uninteresting material or material that has no relevance to their adult lives. This neural link to boredom proves very problematic at a time when educational funding is tied to test performance which requires the repetitive drilling of facts not immediately relevant to the lives of students. Students are expected to know details or facts and are rewarded for memorizing and for not making mistakes and taking risks.
So what are parents to do? Make learning personally relevant for your children. It is very important to keep your children’s brains out of the involuntary, inefficient state that develops with the ongoing stress of boredom. Keep them engaged and motivated to learn in school by connecting the material to their interests wherever possible. For example, you could look at family photos or objects around the home that may come from countries they are currently studying. Or, you might encourage them to read stories that infuse history (such as historical fiction), science or math. Such activities are like Velcro, giving your child something interesting to stick new information to! This will help their brains use neural circuits to engage in learning through positive connections; they now can connect a great book they read, or sights they saw on a local walk or hike, with some new material presented in school
Questions, Questions, and More Questions!
To further fuel that fire for learning, ask your children a lot of questions that help them connect their personal interests and experiences to school topics. The discussions that come up as children respond to your questions will also serve to strengthen memory. If you are an engaged, attentive and positive listener, you will further your children’s interest in a topic. To keep them motivated you need to communicate that you are listening and are truly interested in their thoughts and ideas.
As you wind down the summer and prepare for back to school, make a family commitment to turn disinterest, amotivation or other kinds of negativity into motivation. By using the above ideas regularly you can protect your children from the current fact heavy curriculum, which allows little room for discovery and creativity. You’ll actually be helping them develop the brain circuits critical to become lifelong learners who are able to take what they learn and transfer it to real world situations. They will learn not only specific facts for a specific test, but how to face the challenges and opportunities of the 21st century.
Dear Mom and Dad: It’s Time to Let Go
As both a psychologist in private practice and a university professor for twenty years at both urban and suburban colleges, I have had the privilege of mentoring and speaking with many young adults about what they wish they could tell their parents. As many of you prepare to send your children off to college for the first time, or to say goodby again for now, I have highlighted many of their worries and hopes into this letter. So, here’s what I have learned that your children want you to know:
Dear Mom and Dad,
What a crazy summer this has been! Time has gone so fast, I really just can’t believe it. June graduation came and went. All the parties and celebrations were really awesome! Then, all of a sudden, it was time to shop and time to pack! I felt so excited and scared at the same time, and I think you did too. Maybe that’s why we’ve fought–and apologized–then fought again, and then hugged it out. And of course there’s the lists… oh those lists! Shopping lists, packing lists, paperwork lists…
You guys have gotten me this far. I’m where I am in no small part because of you. For that I am so grateful and I love you so so much. But now it’s time to let me go. Please don’t worry, I don’t mean that in a sink or swim kind of way. I know you wouldn’t listen to that anyway! What I mean is show me that you want me to try out this thing called life on my own terms. We’re going to have to work together to make that happen; we’ll have to loosen our grip, me on my old life and you on the new person I’m becoming.
This is my maiden flight. I may crash, but most likely I will not. Please don’t try to live this out for me and to protect me from “everything.” Let me walk forward, grow, and push things a bit. In the process you will see me develop and my life just might take a turn for the extraordinary!
You’ll probably hear from me less, but please let me set the pace for texts, calls and FaceTime. And please please don’t be that parent who comes for a surprise visit! Be open to my going to visit new friends over college breaks, or asking to bring them to us. Be glad that I am making new friends, without being overly interested or smothery!
Care packages are great in small doses. Of course I want to stay connected to you and will long for the comforts of home. But, again, don’t be that parent; please don’t bombard me with excessive care packages from home, as they really will make me look ridiculous in front of those new friends I’m making.
I’ll be trying a lot of new things in the next few years. I’m sure some of those things will be stupid, some will be very temporary, and some will be a part of who I am becoming as an adult. Please love me and accept me anyway, because I really do want us to have a great relationship for the rest of our lives together.
Please know that I promise to do my best in college. I will work hard and I will get tutoring if I need to. I’m going on record now to say that I truly understand that you will remind me to do my best and to get that tutoring if I “forget.” I know you will call me out if you sense that I am clowning around. Just please don’t go straight to threats; please don’t use money as a way to control my study habits…or my choices of friends actually!
Of course, if you think I’m hurting myself or someone else, I know you’re going to react. I understand that. Please try to talk to me with an open mind and heart. Remember to get me needed help also, even if I say I don’t need it or want it. This might be mental health services, medical services, or information on safe sex, birth control, etc. Remind me to connect with mentors, whether professors, counselors, coaches, or older students. Let me know that you are always here to speak with me, but understand that I might not always be comfortable speaking with you. But try not to worry, I know this is a tough part of letting me go.
So, during these next few weeks, let’s try to stay in the present together. I know I know…..there’s bedding to buy, storage containers to order, and emergency medicines to put together. I know it all needs to be done, but it is making me nervous. I’m wondering if I’m not ready, not prepared. And we both know what happens then….that sulking, pouting, yelling, retreating, device using thing I have down pat! And really I don’t want to do that. I want to spend some time together in the present, just enjoying my mom and dad.
I know my leaving is going to change things in our home. The dinner table might feel awkward, the house might seem really quiet. Don’t get me wrong, I know I can be annoying. I bet there are days when you’re counting down the days to my longed for departure! But, make no mistake, when I’m gone you’ll walk by my room, miss me and cry a bit. Guess what though….in those quiet moments when I’m walking on campus alone, I’ll be missing you too. And sadly, as I meander through the cafeteria I’ll be crying for some great food from home!
While I’m gone, please take care of your health and of each other. I want you to be healthy and to be around with me for a long long time. I want you both to stay together if you are now, or to stay good friends like you are now, so I’ll remind you that you really need to focus on each other right now. Seriously…..you do.
You’re absolutely gonna miss me when I’m gone. Always remember that I’ll miss you too. And, we’re all going to be absolutely fine.
Love you guys!
Teach Your Teens: Phones Are Not Weapons
At this point, many parents and teens are aware of the emotional and physical dangers of cyberbullying. Repeated and necessary conversations and interventions have been had around the importance of not using a smartphone as a weapon against peers. But what about against ones own family? Yes, you are reading correctly. Despite our best intentions, I continue to see teens leveraging their smartphones as weapons against family and peers alike, leaving social and emotional devastation in their wake. You may think this statement overly dramatic, but my years in practice as a psychologist tell me this is a very accurate characterization.
I recently spoke with a single mother of two who learned firsthand the dangers of a smartphone as weapon. Her 17 year-old son, angry because he was told he could not spend an unsupervised weekend with friends, video recorded his mother verbally disciplining his 15 year-old sister who had arrived home drunk the evening before. Then, without thinking, he posted that interaction to social media and basked in the “glow” of the likes, views, and shares he received. But of course he hadn’t stopped to consider the harm and pain that posting this video caused his family. His mom, a professional in our small community, was negatively impacted by this window into her personal life, despite the fact that her own behaviors were appropriate and on point.
Teens are not always clear thinking beings. Their brains have not yet developed the ability of foresight, good judgement, planning, and impulse control. In fact, the parts of the brain controlling these cognitive abilities have almost another decade of significant developing to do! Now, add to this mix that many teens have a desire to be popular or cool, or to seek attention. Think about it, a smartphone is a very easy and quick way to achieve these goals. That is why it is so critical for parents and other adults to educate teens on the potential for hurting others in pursuit of their own gain. It is also why it is vital to monitor teen smartphone use.
Now imagine you have a 16 year-old daughter who decides, with her friend, to secretly video record conversations at a party this summer. Suppose they videotape a group of popular girls saying cruel, unkind and mean things about others not at the party. Now picture your daughter and her friend posting that video up on Facebook, Instagram, or SnapChat for all to see. Doing this hurts the gossipers, who likely presumed their comments would not go public, as well as those being gossiped about. As you might expect, such behavior causes a great deal of pain and often tears apart friendships.
As parents, most can agree that those doing the gossiping are in the wrong. But what about those doing the videotaping? Oftentimes the parents of the videographers blame only those who spoke the mean words, believing that sharing negative behavior is the right thing to do. But let’s examine that assumption more closely. Of course it is important to disclose negative, abusive or destructive behaviors if the intention is to stop it and to protect others. With that in mind, it is clear that when teens share such behavior via social media it is most often done with the intention of embarrassing, belittling, or humiliating another; as such, it is never the right response. Instead, taking the video to a school counselor, school administrator, a parent or another reliable adult support system demonstrates a true desire to be helpful. It is critical that parents and other responsible adults help children and teens to see the difference.
As our children move through adolescence and into adulthood, college admissions officers, employers, and potential professional clients are increasingly researching social media presence. So, it is critical that we teach our children and teens that their social media footprint should be positive and appropriate. It should never include posts or videos of them drunk, naked, acting out of control or treating others cruelly. Likewise, whether through thoughtlessness or vindictiveness, when similar videos are posted of family and friends they are rarely removable once the videos are viewed and shared. Thus the emotional trauma and damage to ones reputation become permanent.
Of course, it is our job to teach our children to behave appropriately and to be kind. But it is also true that teens, and adults, make mistakes. We lose our tempers, we say things we shouldn’t. But as human beings we all have a right to privacy. If you discover that your teen does not have the maturity to use their smartphone appropriately, by all means disarm them. Yes, they will be angry but it is far better to manage that than risk their own emotional pain or the pain of others for many years to come.
Hey New Dads, Don’t Be Afraid to Be Afraid!
When you think of Father’s Day, what comes to mind? Perhaps it’s your longstanding tradition of family BBQs or outdoor time with loved ones. Maybe you take some time to think about, or reach out to, the men who have influenced your life. Maybe you stop to wonder who has become a new father this year. Or, just maybe, you are a new father yourself.
Everyday, over 360,000 men become fathers worldwide, and most of these men eagerly await and prepare for the coming of their newest family member. Most think of the joys of caring for, loving, and nurturing a child. All a man has to do is check social media resources to see images depicting the joy and wonder of fatherhood. While this is absolutely an accurate piece of the picture that is fatherhood, so too are concerns that are confusing and sometimes terrifying.
Many new fathers experience recurring fears of being abandoned by their partners and newborns, which are often related to not being good enough. For example, fathers often fear they will not be a good enough provider or will accidentally hurt their infant due to their perceived incompetence. New fathers also fear unintended accidents, like finding their infant suffocated in the crib. What most new fathers don’t realize is how common these negative fantasies, or obsessional thoughts really are. A recent study found that nearly 50% of postpartum fathers report intrusive thoughts about SIDS, 25% about intentional or unintended harm, and 5% centered around sexual contact (while changing diapers, bathing, etc).
Where Do My Scary Thoughts Come From?
Scary thoughts and fantasies are not specific to men or to new parents. In fact, we all go through times when we have very strange, sometimes upsetting thoughts. One very important step is to remember that these thoughts are not real, they are not reality. They are…just thoughts. When you understand that thoughts are not reality, they are far less frightening. There is a great deal of uncertainty around the roles of parenthood, feelings of perceived ineffectiveness as a parent, and an emerging, fragile identity as a father that often lead many men to accept their fears as predictions of their future as a dad. They accept these thoughts as reality. A more positive and adaptive view of these negative thoughts or fantasies may be to understand that they come from the healthy desires to protect and care for your family and children. Your obsessional thoughts can be viewed as ways to try and anticipate, and thus prevent, any threats to your family and newborn. Of course research clearly shows that obsessional thinking increases anxiety and worry, which in turn fuels obsessional thinking. So, while the wish is to reduce potential threats and fears, what is in fact happening is the increase in unwanted anxiety.
How Can We Help New Fathers With Their Scary Thoughts?
One response that is quite helpful to new fathers is simple information. Know that you are not alone in experiencing scary, negative thoughts. Know also that they are a common way of working to protect your family while adjusting to your new roles. It is normal to feel sad or angry about receiving less attention from a partner now that an infant is in the mix. It is normal to fear that harm may come to you ur newborn. For many men, understanding why these thoughts happen and reminding yourself that they are just thoughts and not reality is enough to help them begin to lessen. Actively rephrasing your thoughts is also of great value. Remind yourself, “I am working to be a great father, I love my baby, these thoughts will pass.”
For other new fathers, going into treatment is an important and very valuable part of responding to their fears and negative thoughts. For many it is a difficult decision, as the fantasy of tough, resilient, macho and independent men is alive and well in many cultures. Thus, men are expected to just “handle” the transition into fatherhood independently and without as much as a hiccup. This is a fantasy that clearly needs to be brought out into the light and challenged. Instead we need to help men explore the emotions, fears and real needs they have around fatherhood. As a culture, we must support fathers, not just on Father’s Day but everyday.