As you think back on your life and relationships, do you find that you are the one others count on to get things done? Are you that “go-to” person to whom intimate partners, coworkers, bosses, family members, or friends come to for help or advice? If you are frank with yourself, this can feel great in some ways, yes? Perhaps you feel capable, productive or needed by others. Maybe you feel some satisfaction coming to the rescue. In fact, being that “go-to” person may be a bigger part of your current identity than you realize. If you’re fortunate, those you help give you a good amount of acknowledgement, praise, or appreciation.
The Cost of People Pleasing
Here’s the down side though; “people pleasers,” also known as fixers, helpers, and rescuers, often find themselves engaging in the therapy process at some point. Why? They reach out for help when they are completely stressed out, drowning in the “to do lists” of managing their own lives AND helping others, or just simply being spread too thin. At this point they may even find themselves resentful of or angry at others, or may feel that people are taking their helpful ways for granted. When “people pleasers” continue to put the needs of others before their own, they can suffer with other types of seemingly unrelated symptoms such as depression, panic, physical discomforts, sleep issues, or general anxiety.
The first step in ending this cycle of stress is understanding that they have unintentionally gotten themselves into this predicament. Unknowingly, they have taught others that it’s okay to ask, or to even expect, them to disregard their own personal needs. The assumption is quite simple; people pleasers put the needs of others before their own…period. While this can be very difficult to acknowledge, accepting their contribution to the problem can help people pleasers become empowered and can initiate meaningful change.
The second step toward change is realizing that, for many, it is just easier to say “yes” rather than “no.” Saying no may trigger the fear that others will be disappointed with them, think them mean or selfish, or just not spend time with them anymore. Whatever the reason, saying no may make others unhappy even temporarily, which for a people pleaser may be just about unbearable.
Saying “Yes” to Everyone Else Means Saying “No” to You
There truly is a finite amount of time in a day and a finite amount of energy. If you find you are saying “yes” to everyone else, the one being told “no” is most likely you. Here are examples of some areas you may be saying “no” to yourself regularly:
Self-care: Getting enough sleep, preparing healthy meals, engaging in consistent exercise, taking needed quiet time, reading, making and honoring needed doctor’s appointments, and taking time off.
Relationships: Carving out the needed time to spend with your partner, children, extended family, and friends.
Environment: Organizing your home, keeping your personal space clean, and simplifying and decluttering your space.
Work-life: Prioritizing your own work responsibilities, setting your own professional goals and means of achieving them, and setting limits with colleagues.
When did saying “no” to yourself time and time again become acceptable? For some, doing for others provides a convenient out that allows you to not address some of your own needs. What might be contributing to your avoiding your own needs and unintentionally hurting yourself? Here are some possibilities to consider:
Discomfort with your own needs: Do you find that you must show the world, and maybe yourself, that you are strong or have it all together? Perhaps showing vulnerability can be very uncomfortable. So instead you show strength in the near constant helping of others.
Low self-worth: Do you ever find yourself feeling unworthy? Do you feel like your needs are less important than those of others? If this is the case, than you are leaving little room for your own unmet needs. Rather, all of the space is being taken up by the needs and demands of others.
Not knowing where to begin or how to tackle your needs: Sometimes, it may be difficult to identify and then admit to what you are lacking. Once you do know what your needs are, it can seem daunting to figure out how to begin to get them met. In the short term, it may seem easier to focus on someone else’s needs rather than your own.
In general, people pleasing often lives where meaningful self-awareness and assertiveness do not. Assertiveness, not to be confused with aggressiveness, is a way of communicating in which you honor and respect both your own needs as well as the needs of others. There are many techniques for increasing assertiveness skills that can be learned and fine-tuned in therapy. This helps people learn how to say “no” in a firm but respectful way. The more you start doing it, the easier it becomes.
If you find yourself stressed out doing too much for others, it may be beneficial to explore the matter with a licensed psychologist. Finding the balance between saying “yes” and saying “no” could be just what you need to live a full, balanced, and calm life.