What a time we find ourselves in here in the United States. We are nearing a Presidential election, have critical senate seats in play, and continue to combat the COVID19 pandemic. I find myself spending a good bit of time lately thinking about how to raise future leaders. As a holistic psychologist, I am honored to work with children, adolescents and their families as they work to quiet their anxieties and fears, improve communication, and develop confidence, humility and grit. I came across some wise examples today that really demonstrate how the seeds we sow today, tomorrow and next month grow in our children. What we say truly matters, in so so many ways. In fact, what we say to our children, grandchildren, students and young neighbors lays the groundwork for our future leaders. What kind of leader do you want in a generation from now?
Category Archives: Children
Learning At Home During COVID-19
Raise A “Wild Child!” Teaching Your Children to Treat Nature As Their Playground
So, how do we do that? Lets take a few lessons from my childhood and maybe yours too. I grew up playing outside a lot. Though I grew up in an urban environment, I was still encouraged to be outdoors with my friends in the sunshine, playing stick ball, building forts (read old table cloths with holes as windows over old card tables or forts made of refrigerator boxes) and flying on our magic carpets (read old blanket or old carpet remnants) long before anyone knew this Aladdin guy!. My family also went on camping trips and to local beaches when we could. But I didn’t think of myself as an “outdoor kid” at the time. It was just my childhood, it was what we did. Does any of this sound familiar? Maybe you have your own memories of just being outdoors, using the little things to create adventures and spark your imagination. What can those memories offer to you or your children now? How can they help you focus on embracing nature?
Once marriage and children came into the picture, I was very focused on how to continue to embrace being outside. As a couple, we weren’t going to stop being in nature, or stop having adventures, just because we have a child. To be fair, we made a conscious choice as a couple. We knew the benefits, from reading and our own life experiences, of going on great explorations and we wanted our child to have those benefits as well.
Over the years I see that my son, and some of his friends, have learned to be comfortable with nature because they’ve had so much practice. Even now they walk together at the “bay” and scale the rocks along the shore or tackle a downed tree until they can balance on it seemingly endlessly. They really treat nature as their playground and look for chances to be outdoors and just do things together. They seem to be able to see something in nature and turn it into whatever they want. Believe me, we encouraged it and provided the opportunities for it to thrive over the years. And, if your kids are not there yet, fear not as you can encourage it too! If you see a grouping of rocks in the park, maybe its about saying “Doesn’t that rock look like a…” and fill in the blank. Or, “don’t those monkey bars remind you of the space ship we saw at…” Once you start this you’ll realize just how good children are at discovering things. When you are out in nature, the number of possibilities for imagination are endless and the benefits to the health of our mind, body, and emotions bountiful.
Ready, Set… No! Learning to say “Yes” to “No”
As you think back on your life and relationships, do you find that you are the one others count on to get things done? Are you that “go-to” person to whom intimate partners, coworkers, bosses, family members, or friends come to for help or advice? If you are frank with yourself, this can feel great in some ways, yes? Perhaps you feel capable, productive or needed by others. Maybe you feel some satisfaction coming to the rescue. In fact, being that “go-to” person may be a bigger part of your current identity than you realize. If you’re fortunate, those you help give you a good amount of acknowledgement, praise, or appreciation.
The Cost of People Pleasing
Here’s the down side though; “people pleasers,” also known as fixers, helpers, and rescuers, often find themselves engaging in the therapy process at some point. Why? They reach out for help when they are completely stressed out, drowning in the “to do lists” of managing their own lives AND helping others, or just simply being spread too thin. At this point they may even find themselves resentful of or angry at others, or may feel that people are taking their helpful ways for granted. When “people pleasers” continue to put the needs of others before their own, they can suffer with other types of seemingly unrelated symptoms such as depression, panic, physical discomforts, sleep issues, or general anxiety.
The first step in ending this cycle of stress is understanding that they have unintentionally gotten themselves into this predicament. Unknowingly, they have taught others that it’s okay to ask, or to even expect, them to disregard their own personal needs. The assumption is quite simple; people pleasers put the needs of others before their own…period. While this can be very difficult to acknowledge, accepting their contribution to the problem can help people pleasers become empowered and can initiate meaningful change.
The second step toward change is realizing that, for many, it is just easier to say “yes” rather than “no.” Saying no may trigger the fear that others will be disappointed with them, think them mean or selfish, or just not spend time with them anymore. Whatever the reason, saying no may make others unhappy even temporarily, which for a people pleaser may be just about unbearable.
Saying “Yes” to Everyone Else Means Saying “No” to You
There truly is a finite amount of time in a day and a finite amount of energy. If you find you are saying “yes” to everyone else, the one being told “no” is most likely you. Here are examples of some areas you may be saying “no” to yourself regularly:
Self-care: Getting enough sleep, preparing healthy meals, engaging in consistent exercise, taking needed quiet time, reading, making and honoring needed doctor’s appointments, and taking time off.
Relationships: Carving out the needed time to spend with your partner, children, extended family, and friends.
Environment: Organizing your home, keeping your personal space clean, and simplifying and decluttering your space.
Work-life: Prioritizing your own work responsibilities, setting your own professional goals and means of achieving them, and setting limits with colleagues.
When did saying “no” to yourself time and time again become acceptable? For some, doing for others provides a convenient out that allows you to not address some of your own needs. What might be contributing to your avoiding your own needs and unintentionally hurting yourself? Here are some possibilities to consider:
Discomfort with your own needs: Do you find that you must show the world, and maybe yourself, that you are strong or have it all together? Perhaps showing vulnerability can be very uncomfortable. So instead you show strength in the near constant helping of others.
Low self-worth: Do you ever find yourself feeling unworthy? Do you feel like your needs are less important than those of others? If this is the case, than you are leaving little room for your own unmet needs. Rather, all of the space is being taken up by the needs and demands of others.
Not knowing where to begin or how to tackle your needs: Sometimes, it may be difficult to identify and then admit to what you are lacking. Once you do know what your needs are, it can seem daunting to figure out how to begin to get them met. In the short term, it may seem easier to focus on someone else’s needs rather than your own.
In general, people pleasing often lives where meaningful self-awareness and assertiveness do not. Assertiveness, not to be confused with aggressiveness, is a way of communicating in which you honor and respect both your own needs as well as the needs of others. There are many techniques for increasing assertiveness skills that can be learned and fine-tuned in therapy. This helps people learn how to say “no” in a firm but respectful way. The more you start doing it, the easier it becomes.
If you find yourself stressed out doing too much for others, it may be beneficial to explore the matter with a licensed psychologist. Finding the balance between saying “yes” and saying “no” could be just what you need to live a full, balanced, and calm life.
Be the Kind of Parent You Admire
As we turn the page to 2018, it seems like a good time to re-examine yourself as a parent. I’m certain that your children are your top priority. You make sure they eat healthy (enough), get them to bed (mostly) on time, and encourage them to explore their interests and participate in extra curricular activities. You hug them when they need it, care for them when they are sick. I know it’s fair to say that you love your children more than anything in this world.
Of course you do lose your patience at times, you struggle with what to do when your child is melting down, or you find yourself disconnected from the here and now. How often have you jumped onto the computer to research “just one quick thing” or to answer “just one work e-mail”, only to look up and find that an hour or two has gone by? And that snack you were going to make for your children, the quality time you intended to have? Oops, that didn’t happen.
But, warts and all you remain a good parent. You could just benefit from some tools to retrain your brain so that stress and life’s distractions don’t get the better of you. Together, we can build mindfulness practices that strengthen your resilience, and your children’s resilience, to stress. We will do this in a meaningful and realistic way that will help you develop in the moment skills to strengthen your response to stress and better your relationship with your children. Your children will benefit simply from having a calmer parent. Then, whether racing to sports practice or music events, navigating mealtimes, or working through the demands of school, you can teach your children to develop their own fun, in the moment, mindfulness practices that help them better cope with the struggles of everyday life for the rest of their lives.
Take That First Step: Just Show Up!
It is truly amazing to consider, for just a moment, the amazing impact that showing up can have on your life. Show up for whatever it is…..that meeting for work, time with your children, or time with yourself. If you can just show up, you open yourself up to the possibilities, for unfolding to occur, and for the unknown to become known.
Showing up means that you don’t have to know all the answers, don’t need the roadmap laid out in front of you, and don’t need to hold the answers to the rest of your life’s mysteries RIGHT NOW! If you wait for all of the answers, wait until your “perfect plan” is devised before you truly live, you will find that you are stuck. In fact, waiting for perfection is in itself unnatural. You will probably notice a freezing or a holding in your body…perhaps a tightening in the chest or stomach, a churning of thoughts in your mind that prevent you from gently moving forward and seeing what could be.
So instead, practice letting go. Practice letting go of what you have no control over anyway. Join me in the process of just showing up. Commit to letting the unknown become known without pushing or racing toward a specific outcome. For you this might mean spending time with a friend, putting time aside for meditation or mindful breath, or taking a much needed walk.
It really does not matter what you do… just commit to simply showing up!
Why Do My Children Need a Growth Mindset?
As a psychologist and professor, I am so fortunate to share my days working with clients and helping to shape the growth and development of future clinical mental health counselors and school counselors. In so many ways, clients and students alike are faced with the challenges that come from allowing our mistakes to define us, rather than redefining our mistakes. The reality is, like it or not, we all seem to learn more from our struggles and mistakes than from our effortless successes. So why is it so hard to redefine mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning?
As many of you who read my blog already know, I tend to tie in the neuropsychological to most of my discussions. So, not surprisingly, this is no different! In prehistoric times, we were neurologically wired to be on alert for danger, because making a mistake potentially meant being eaten by a wild animal. Now, in modern society, most of us are not confronted with the possibility of being someone else’s lunch, yet we continue to react to minor mistakes with the same heightened, charged stress response. Think about this for just a moment….what makes people commit to an Iron Man (or Woman) competition? They train tirelessly to improve their time and stamina while swimming, running and riding. Why not just get in the car…or the boat….and easily and far more quickly cruise into your destination? Because, the experience of challenging ourselves and overcoming obstacles actually makes us a different person. We develop stamina and grit through pushing and stretching ourselves and, at times, through stumbling, falling, getting up and moving forward. If the choice was to jump into that car, or boat, those learning experiences never would have happened.
Now, think about this growth mindset, this ability or willingness to learn and grow from mistakes in light of our current very perfectionistic society. In fact, children in our culture often are penalized for making academic or social mistakes, and are rewarded for playing it safe. We are, in reality, rewarding children who do not challenge themselves. At the same time, society is demanding more and more innovation from its workforce; people are being asked to think creatively, to work outside the box, and to take chances without festering on mistakes Taken together, it becomes clear that we are NOT preparing our children for the world they hope to thrive in as adults.
What we are doing, I think accidentally, is raising fixed mindset children. Because these children fear mistakes, they often try to hide them or to blame others for them. These children (and adults) are more concerned with how others perceive them or judge them than with improving themselves. On the other hand, growth mindset individuals are open to taking on new strategies, meeting challenges and trying new approaches until they achieve the desired outcome. Relatedly, people who use a growth mindset are willing to make mistakes, take responsibility for them, and learn from them.
As we wind down the summer and prepare for back to school, I’d like to share a few activities to help you shift children’s view of mistakes, especially since many have had many years of experiences reinforcing a fixed mindset.
“Instant” Successes
Take some time to have a discussion with your children about people they admire, perhaps an athlete, a singer, or an author. Be sure these figures have been committed to success over time, have experienced rejection or made mistakes, and have moved forward nonetheless. Be sure to highlight the set backs they experienced before “making it”. For example, previous discussions with children have taught me that Iggy Azalea dropped out of high school and was a janitor before becoming the singer/rapper celebrity she is today. Likewise, J. K. Rowling received countless “no”s before getting her yes from Scholastic, launching the phenomenon now known as Harry Potter!
Keep That Kindergarten Enthusiasm!
Can you vaguely recall the joy of learning, a time when everything was new and exciting? Do you recall your kindergartener watching in amazement as caterpillars transformed to crystalist and then butterflies? Ah the magic! But oftentimes something changes along the way. You may see your children becoming disinterested, unmotivated, oppositional or inseparable from screens. What is possibly happening here is that children’s brains are merely reacting to the stress of ongoing boredom. In fact, students in high school in the U.S.A. are more likely to drop out than at any other time in history. The reason given by over 80 percent of those students who do: boredom, which they define as uninteresting material or material that has no relevance to their adult lives. This neural link to boredom proves very problematic at a time when educational funding is tied to test performance which requires the repetitive drilling of facts not immediately relevant to the lives of students. Students are expected to know details or facts and are rewarded for memorizing and for not making mistakes and taking risks.
So what are parents to do? Make learning personally relevant for your children. It is very important to keep your children’s brains out of the involuntary, inefficient state that develops with the ongoing stress of boredom. Keep them engaged and motivated to learn in school by connecting the material to their interests wherever possible. For example, you could look at family photos or objects around the home that may come from countries they are currently studying. Or, you might encourage them to read stories that infuse history (such as historical fiction), science or math. Such activities are like Velcro, giving your child something interesting to stick new information to! This will help their brains use neural circuits to engage in learning through positive connections; they now can connect a great book they read, or sights they saw on a local walk or hike, with some new material presented in school
Questions, Questions, and More Questions!
To further fuel that fire for learning, ask your children a lot of questions that help them connect their personal interests and experiences to school topics. The discussions that come up as children respond to your questions will also serve to strengthen memory. If you are an engaged, attentive and positive listener, you will further your children’s interest in a topic. To keep them motivated you need to communicate that you are listening and are truly interested in their thoughts and ideas.
As you wind down the summer and prepare for back to school, make a family commitment to turn disinterest, amotivation or other kinds of negativity into motivation. By using the above ideas regularly you can protect your children from the current fact heavy curriculum, which allows little room for discovery and creativity. You’ll actually be helping them develop the brain circuits critical to become lifelong learners who are able to take what they learn and transfer it to real world situations. They will learn not only specific facts for a specific test, but how to face the challenges and opportunities of the 21st century.
Dear Mom and Dad: It’s Time to Let Go
As both a psychologist in private practice and a university professor for twenty years at both urban and suburban colleges, I have had the privilege of mentoring and speaking with many young adults about what they wish they could tell their parents. As many of you prepare to send your children off to college for the first time, or to say goodby again for now, I have highlighted many of their worries and hopes into this letter. So, here’s what I have learned that your children want you to know:
Dear Mom and Dad,
What a crazy summer this has been! Time has gone so fast, I really just can’t believe it. June graduation came and went. All the parties and celebrations were really awesome! Then, all of a sudden, it was time to shop and time to pack! I felt so excited and scared at the same time, and I think you did too. Maybe that’s why we’ve fought–and apologized–then fought again, and then hugged it out. And of course there’s the lists… oh those lists! Shopping lists, packing lists, paperwork lists…
You guys have gotten me this far. I’m where I am in no small part because of you. For that I am so grateful and I love you so so much. But now it’s time to let me go. Please don’t worry, I don’t mean that in a sink or swim kind of way. I know you wouldn’t listen to that anyway! What I mean is show me that you want me to try out this thing called life on my own terms. We’re going to have to work together to make that happen; we’ll have to loosen our grip, me on my old life and you on the new person I’m becoming.
This is my maiden flight. I may crash, but most likely I will not. Please don’t try to live this out for me and to protect me from “everything.” Let me walk forward, grow, and push things a bit. In the process you will see me develop and my life just might take a turn for the extraordinary!
You’ll probably hear from me less, but please let me set the pace for texts, calls and FaceTime. And please please don’t be that parent who comes for a surprise visit! Be open to my going to visit new friends over college breaks, or asking to bring them to us. Be glad that I am making new friends, without being overly interested or smothery!
Care packages are great in small doses. Of course I want to stay connected to you and will long for the comforts of home. But, again, don’t be that parent; please don’t bombard me with excessive care packages from home, as they really will make me look ridiculous in front of those new friends I’m making.
I’ll be trying a lot of new things in the next few years. I’m sure some of those things will be stupid, some will be very temporary, and some will be a part of who I am becoming as an adult. Please love me and accept me anyway, because I really do want us to have a great relationship for the rest of our lives together.
Please know that I promise to do my best in college. I will work hard and I will get tutoring if I need to. I’m going on record now to say that I truly understand that you will remind me to do my best and to get that tutoring if I “forget.” I know you will call me out if you sense that I am clowning around. Just please don’t go straight to threats; please don’t use money as a way to control my study habits…or my choices of friends actually!
Of course, if you think I’m hurting myself or someone else, I know you’re going to react. I understand that. Please try to talk to me with an open mind and heart. Remember to get me needed help also, even if I say I don’t need it or want it. This might be mental health services, medical services, or information on safe sex, birth control, etc. Remind me to connect with mentors, whether professors, counselors, coaches, or older students. Let me know that you are always here to speak with me, but understand that I might not always be comfortable speaking with you. But try not to worry, I know this is a tough part of letting me go.
So, during these next few weeks, let’s try to stay in the present together. I know I know…..there’s bedding to buy, storage containers to order, and emergency medicines to put together. I know it all needs to be done, but it is making me nervous. I’m wondering if I’m not ready, not prepared. And we both know what happens then….that sulking, pouting, yelling, retreating, device using thing I have down pat! And really I don’t want to do that. I want to spend some time together in the present, just enjoying my mom and dad.
I know my leaving is going to change things in our home. The dinner table might feel awkward, the house might seem really quiet. Don’t get me wrong, I know I can be annoying. I bet there are days when you’re counting down the days to my longed for departure! But, make no mistake, when I’m gone you’ll walk by my room, miss me and cry a bit. Guess what though….in those quiet moments when I’m walking on campus alone, I’ll be missing you too. And sadly, as I meander through the cafeteria I’ll be crying for some great food from home!
While I’m gone, please take care of your health and of each other. I want you to be healthy and to be around with me for a long long time. I want you both to stay together if you are now, or to stay good friends like you are now, so I’ll remind you that you really need to focus on each other right now. Seriously…..you do.
You’re absolutely gonna miss me when I’m gone. Always remember that I’ll miss you too. And, we’re all going to be absolutely fine.
Love you guys!
Teach Your Teens: Phones Are Not Weapons
At this point, many parents and teens are aware of the emotional and physical dangers of cyberbullying. Repeated and necessary conversations and interventions have been had around the importance of not using a smartphone as a weapon against peers. But what about against ones own family? Yes, you are reading correctly. Despite our best intentions, I continue to see teens leveraging their smartphones as weapons against family and peers alike, leaving social and emotional devastation in their wake. You may think this statement overly dramatic, but my years in practice as a psychologist tell me this is a very accurate characterization.
I recently spoke with a single mother of two who learned firsthand the dangers of a smartphone as weapon. Her 17 year-old son, angry because he was told he could not spend an unsupervised weekend with friends, video recorded his mother verbally disciplining his 15 year-old sister who had arrived home drunk the evening before. Then, without thinking, he posted that interaction to social media and basked in the “glow” of the likes, views, and shares he received. But of course he hadn’t stopped to consider the harm and pain that posting this video caused his family. His mom, a professional in our small community, was negatively impacted by this window into her personal life, despite the fact that her own behaviors were appropriate and on point.
Teens are not always clear thinking beings. Their brains have not yet developed the ability of foresight, good judgement, planning, and impulse control. In fact, the parts of the brain controlling these cognitive abilities have almost another decade of significant developing to do! Now, add to this mix that many teens have a desire to be popular or cool, or to seek attention. Think about it, a smartphone is a very easy and quick way to achieve these goals. That is why it is so critical for parents and other adults to educate teens on the potential for hurting others in pursuit of their own gain. It is also why it is vital to monitor teen smartphone use.
Now imagine you have a 16 year-old daughter who decides, with her friend, to secretly video record conversations at a party this summer. Suppose they videotape a group of popular girls saying cruel, unkind and mean things about others not at the party. Now picture your daughter and her friend posting that video up on Facebook, Instagram, or SnapChat for all to see. Doing this hurts the gossipers, who likely presumed their comments would not go public, as well as those being gossiped about. As you might expect, such behavior causes a great deal of pain and often tears apart friendships.
As parents, most can agree that those doing the gossiping are in the wrong. But what about those doing the videotaping? Oftentimes the parents of the videographers blame only those who spoke the mean words, believing that sharing negative behavior is the right thing to do. But let’s examine that assumption more closely. Of course it is important to disclose negative, abusive or destructive behaviors if the intention is to stop it and to protect others. With that in mind, it is clear that when teens share such behavior via social media it is most often done with the intention of embarrassing, belittling, or humiliating another; as such, it is never the right response. Instead, taking the video to a school counselor, school administrator, a parent or another reliable adult support system demonstrates a true desire to be helpful. It is critical that parents and other responsible adults help children and teens to see the difference.
As our children move through adolescence and into adulthood, college admissions officers, employers, and potential professional clients are increasingly researching social media presence. So, it is critical that we teach our children and teens that their social media footprint should be positive and appropriate. It should never include posts or videos of them drunk, naked, acting out of control or treating others cruelly. Likewise, whether through thoughtlessness or vindictiveness, when similar videos are posted of family and friends they are rarely removable once the videos are viewed and shared. Thus the emotional trauma and damage to ones reputation become permanent.
Of course, it is our job to teach our children to behave appropriately and to be kind. But it is also true that teens, and adults, make mistakes. We lose our tempers, we say things we shouldn’t. But as human beings we all have a right to privacy. If you discover that your teen does not have the maturity to use their smartphone appropriately, by all means disarm them. Yes, they will be angry but it is far better to manage that than risk their own emotional pain or the pain of others for many years to come.
The True Power of Wonder Woman
Have you seen Wonder Woman yet? It does seem like nearly “everybody” has, but if you haven’t I’d highly recommend it. I went to see it out of curiosity, as my memories of Wonder Woman come largely from watching Lynda Carter (Wonder Woman) on television with my grandmother, but also because my almost 12 year old son and his friends are obsessed with all things superhero!
I have never read the Wonder Woman comic series popular in the 1940s and 50s. From Lynda Carter I received some messages about women being powerful, energetic and, yes, sexy. In my humble opinion, I think the show emphasized sex appeal to the deferment of other critical messages, but that’s another blog post! But other than that, I moved through my childhood and adulthood, until now, without giving Wonder Woman much thought at all.
Until now. As I watched the movie I found myself becoming more and more enthralled by the woman who is Wonder Woman. In this film she is not just physically strong, but a woman of power, morals and conviction in her own right. While she ably defends herself and humanity from the forces of hatred, evil and destruction, she is also self-reflective, open to new experiences, and willing to change. Through the movie Wonder Woman, and therefore all of us, learn or are reminded that the conflict between love and war seems never ending. We are faced with the reality that everyday we must chose self sacrifice, altruism and compassion, over and over and over again, lest we become vulnerable ourselves to committing acts of mindless cruelty or destruction.
Wonder Woman is absolutely a charming and, at times, funny movie. It is clearly grabbing the attention of the young by combining action and excitement with a critical, deeper message. This movie clearly puts front and center the age old war between good and evil. The idea is that this conflict is never truly resolved, leaving us in constant internal conflict. It’s us versus “them” or me versus you. It’s my view of the world or civilization versus yours, my view of religious or moral superiority versus yours, my view of who is worthy and who is the identified “other” versus yours. In this context someone must always be right and someone, therefore, must be wrong. Someone “wins” and someone “losses.”
Though I imagine that most of us who watched this movie are not originally from the Amazon, I suspect that these conflicts sound familiar. So, I decided to ask my son his thoughts on one of the first summer blockbusters. In true 12 year-old boy fashion he said something like,”yeah, it was good…..really good.” So naturally I prompted further, wanting to hear what was good about it. I may have mentioned that I was going to write a blog for my professional page and REALLY wanted to hear his thoughts! Well, the floodgates opened and here is what he had to say:
“Well, it was really great! Of course it had a lot of action and all that stuff, but it wasn’t just that. I think it was really the story of good versus evil. The evil was in different parts of the movie…. like using Greek Mythology with, you know, Ares and also piecing in parts of World War II. It really showed all of the horrible things people do to each other but also how powerful love is.”
When he stopped speaking, I asked my son if he thought love and hate would just battle forever. His response, “no not forever. I think it takes a long time, yes, but love and good win in the end.”
The creator of Wonder Woman, William Moulton Marston, was an ardent believer in women’s potential, stating that women were more likely than men to “save the world.”
So, please be sure to talk to your children, and to each other, about the true power that lies within each of us….the power to be kind, the power to do the next right thing, and the power to be truly altruistic.